Issue #11: If you're are an adult and you have no friends, you can do this.

How to make friends in 2023.

Photo by Dallas Reedy on Unsplash

For Frances.

One.

You can acknowledge that you need friends. All this ‘solo life’ thingy can only get you so far. A day will come when the winds will blow and your feet will shake. On such days, you need to have someone you can hold and say, ‘Please keep me strong. I am falling.’ If you don’t acknowledge your need for friends, you may think it’s not a big deal and say, ‘Oh it’s okay joorh. Friendship isn't for everybody.’

Two.

You can choose to not be desperate. I will say some things in this piece that may be giving desperation so I am putting this out here now so you know I am not encouraging you to be desperate. If you’re desperate, you may end up doing too much and that won’t help. This is not a call to throw caution to the wind and be desperate. Rather, it is a call to be proactive, to seek out what is not coming fast enough. 

Now let’s get into it:

Photo by Nathan Fertig on Unsplash

If you wake up on a Sunday morning and you don't have anybody to talk to, and you are reminded once again that you don't have your own friends, you only have acquaintances, and you are tired of talking to people who don't see you as friends but WhatsApp contacts, you can do this.

You can make new friends. It's true that the older you grow, the more difficult it may be to make new friends. The best time to make friends was when you were in school. During this period, you get to see your friends almost every day. That is an opportunity that only comes with school. The moment you graduate and say, ‘Goodbye, OAU’ that’s it. There is no setting you can find yourself where you will see your friends every day anymore, even if you are working in the same company. 

While in school, you can seek out the right people to befriend. Think short term and long term too. People who have the same vision as you, especially when it comes to friendship and other life values. They don’t have to be as ambitious as you are, or to be in the same career path. You just have to see life in a similar way such that, when you are saying A, they are not always saying Q. And most importantly, they should value friendships just as much as you do. So if after school, you are trying to keep in touch, you don’t become that lonely person who can’t move on. You should see friendship in similar lights. School is one of the best place to make friends. 

But let’s say you are out of school now and you still wake up without friends to talk to when your spirits are down, here are a few things you can do. 

You can reach out to people. You can shoot a friendship shot. I know it’s 2023 and everyone is busy doing one thing or the other but hey, the world is so vast and there are many people who would like to be your friends. The problem is finding them. So if you see someone you like on the TL, interact with their tweets often and then send a DM. If it seems mechanical, that’s because you’re no longer in school where you just happen to interact with people every day whether you plan it or not. Now you have to be a bit more intentional. Send a DM to this person letting them know you’d like to know them and hope you both can be friends in the long term. Again, this is not romantic advice but for people who really want to just make friends. You can even hint in your DM that you just want to be friends, nothing more. 

When you say this, most people may say yes and assume you will just exchange contacts and it ends there. But for you who is seeking actual friends not just acquaintances, you can make it clear that you really want to be friends, not just acquaintances. If they are not down for this, they will let you know. And the truth is, some people are just not open to friendships yet. When they say no, it is not always about you. It can be about them. Maybe they have so many friends already and they don’t know how to keep up, maybe they are in a phase where they are not making any new friends. It could be anything really. 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

And here’s the thing, you will get a lot of no’s. But you will also get one or two yes, if you keep making the move.

This doesn’t mean constructing a broadcast message and sending it to your contacts. It means if you see someone you like and want to befriend, just reach out to them. You can either state clearly at the beginning that you want to be friends or just strike up a random conversation and keep it up till the next day and the next and the next…until you can’t stop talking to each other.

The idea is this: don’t wait for friendships to happen automatically. That was the case sometime ago when you were in school. You would see the people you like in class area, in church/mosque/shrine, in association meetings, anywhere really. You would just bump into them. The likelihood of bumping into someone you like even if you live in the same city is just too slim. You can’t wait for happenstance. You need to make the move.

And if you’re still in school, this is your cue to make the best of what you have. Making friends gets harder once you leave school. And you NEED friends. The same friendships that just happen while you’re in school, you’ll have to be super intentional and make plans and even do Google Calendar schedules once you leave school. You might be in Lagos and the person you like is in Kano. Just imagine that. You have to be deliberate and intentional. Before it gets to that point, make use of what you have in school - the time and confined space. 

If you’re out of school, do something. Reach out to people you already know who you think you can be friends with, or people you just met online, or those you admire from afar. Just know that the worst that can happen is a no. And many of that will come. But you’ll also get a yes, or two. 

In addition to reaching out, you can join a book club or attend an art event. You will meet people with common interests there.

You can attend events at a university near you. Although you are no longer a student, what’s to say your new friends can’t be students? It’s easy to befriend students. They mostly have a predictable schedule so you can always plan visits or calls. It’s not always the case for someone you meet at an event who works a 9 to 5 and just wants to sleep in on Saturdays.

You can write a Twitter thread or a blog post or an Instagram post talking about friendships and that you want new friends. Sounds cheesy right but then people do it for jobs so what’s so bad about doing it for friends? Here’s the thing: all sorts of people will enter your dm so bring out your sorting hat.

You can reach out to old colleagues you like or as I said earlier, new people you admire online.

To make this pretty simple, send this post to the person you want to befriend with a little caption that says, ‘Hey, you were on my mind while I was reading this. I would like us to be friends.’

Also, I’m not sharing an essay today. Instead, I’m sharing this video from Kurzgesagt. It was recommended by a lovely friend of mine. Watch here:

Making new friends as an adult can be difficult but it is not impossible. And the good news is, you don’t need twenty friends so you don’t have to reach out hundreds of times. Just don’t wait for friendships to just come your way. Seek them out.

I’m rooting for you. ❤️

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If you enjoyed this post, send it to a friend you’re grateful for. And tell them you love them. Make sure you subscribe if you haven’t yet. If you’re sharing on Twitter, use the hashtag #TheERclub so I can see it. Also, when you finally make those new friends, read this post on meeting people in the middle so you don’t mess things up with unrealistic expectations.

Thank you for reading. Here’s to making amazing friends in 2023. 🤗