Issue 13: If You’re Unsure About Marriage, You Are Not Alone.
I am not a permanent person, if there is anything like that - so knowing that I have gone into this permanent arrangement with someone is quite interesting.
While I was in primary school, I wanted to be a carpenter. No lies here. We had this carpenter’s workshop in front of our house. Every evening when I stepped out, I would see him working his magic on wood, bending and breaking, crafting and shaping, creating something from something. It was a lovely sight to behold; this carpenter at his workshop. So I decided then with the determination of a child who knew nothing about capitalism and high-income careers, that I was going to be a carpenter.
I can’t know what saved me from this desire but I attribute it to one of two things: growing up or writing. When I discovered writing, every other thing lost its taste. I abandoned my carpentry dreams along with the carpenter in front of our house. I spent my time reading instead. I read books I can’t even read now that I’m an adult: because now I am pressed for time and I am always trying to get the best out of any book I am reading. Then, I did not care much. It didn’t matter if the plot was upside down, if the setting was unrealistic, or if the characters were untrue; I just read. But then that’s not the point of this essay.
In junior secondary school, I decided I wanted to be a lawyer. Although in retrospect, this might not be true. Here’s what I mean: picture a smart boy in junior secondary school in Ogbomoso who reads a lot and could also write and could not figure out maths. The sum of all that will give you one thing: legal juggernaut. So yeah, with no passion or interest or desire in the legal profession, I set my eyes on the black and white robe. Along the line, that dream died. Thanks be to Jah for that one.
Now, in 2023, I am still a writer. I am also a growth marketer in a tech company; something I never thought I would be some three years ago. I am a photographer. I am exploring content creation. I have been many things in the few years I have spent on the planet but one thing is constant: I have evolved over and over again. This is a major reason why the subject of marriage intrigues me so much - the permanence of it.
I am not a permanent person, if there is anything like that - so knowing that I have gone into this permanent arrangement with someone is quite interesting. What if I wake up tomorrow and just the same way I did as a child, I realize I no longer wanted this marriage? What if I wake up tomorrow and take on a new form entirely to the point where this person who has entered this arrangement with me realizes that they have made the greatest mistake of their life?
For most people, what comes to mind when people express fear of marriage is the old line: you don’t want to be committed. That is such an oversimplification of an obviously complex subject. The subject of marriage is complex. It can be that I don’t want to be committed to this venture, yes. Maybe because I have other things I want to be committed to that can be as important or as enormous as the idea of spending the rest of my life with one person. Maybe there is a limit to how many times I can be committed to and I have already chosen some other more important things so marriage has to take the backseat.
I have met people who were extremely excited to get married. They literally could not wait to be with this person whom they’d loved for years. I have also met people who entered with fear and anxiety. With thoughts of uncertainty and the ‘doing it afraid’ mantra. I have seen both sides of the coin. I think the day might come when I will eventually be part of the latter set of people. For the former, I respect their desire. It’s exciting to watch, albeit from a distance, as a bystander, an onlooker, a non-participatory individual.
There is also the thought that I might wake up tomorrow and decide that I want to travel the world, alone. Or that I want to go to Salzburg for one year and block off the world while working on a book of poems. These are prospects that sound exciting but become a source of worry if you’ve been joined together with another soul in holy matrimony. The concept of “alone”, although it may exist, has now become very limited. The irony of this point is that this very thing that I see as a con is what most people who love marriage see as a pro; the ability to do life with someone - with their own person. This is a desire I hope to someday share.
My friends say I should not worry much and that I will probably have a change of heart soon. They believe I’m thinking all these because my life still has a lot of moving parts. They are probably right. My family doesn't seem to care much - yet. The woman in my life doesn’t care much either. And my cat couldn’t care less.
Some may say, oh just get a divorce if you’re tired. That again is easier said than done. How can you just wake up and tell your partner you are no longer interested, not because of anything they did but because you want to travel across the Narrow Sea? Z sent me a Tiktok video of a mother who dropped her kids off with her sister for the summer and when the summer ended, the mother refused to pick up her kids. When asked why, she said, she just doesn’t want to have kids. But excuse me ma, you already have them? I remember a scene in Along for the Ride where something similar happens. In this case, it was a father who decides after a wife, an ex-wife, and two children that he is not sure he wants to have a family. But sir, you already decided to have a family. You can’t just undecide now. Divorce can come in handy but there might be collateral damage especially if there are kids involved already. What happens to the kids? Co-parenting? One day on, one day off? How will that affect their upbringing, their social life, and their mental state?
This is a lot already. This is why I commend people who forge ahead into the somewhat murky waters of marriage after assessing all these. To see all these and to say, Yes, let’s do this takes a lot of courage or some would say delusion [?]But I would go with courage, an admirable courage.
My hesitation is not just the fear that I’ll change my mind. Rather, it is the fact that I know deep within that I have other things I want to do with my life that getting attached to someone permanently [especially when kids are involved] would hinder me from doing. I don’t want that. If I never get married, I am not sure I will regret it. I may, I may not. But there are things I am sure I will forever regret if I don’t do them. I will lie on my dying bed and pass out in a box of little regrets. Those are the things that keep me up at night. Those are the things that make marriage seem unnecessary or inconsequential. Those are the things that steal the light from marriage. Those are the things that make me say when people ask about marriage, “I’m not sure".” Maybe when I accomplish all those things, I may come around and edit this piece Maybe not. With marriage, there are a lot of maybes.
If you’re married or can’t wait to get married, this can serve as a window into the heart of your friends who are not quite sure about marriage. If you’re that friend who is not so sure about marriage, you’re not alone. The permanence can be scary. And it’s like a house with an entry but no exit. No matter how smooth the exit seems, it leaves too many scars.
In the essay I will be sharing today [another letter from The Guardian], a frustrated husband confesses to his wife that he is tired of their marriage and wants out. He can’t stand his wife’s anger anymore. Her approach to life is unbearable. He also confesses that he now finds solace in the bosom of another woman and wants out. He says:
Right now, I’m falling in love with someone new – my heart has grown larger, fonder and stronger. So I have room for her, too, and am determined not to hurt either of you. I thought I could move round the corner and that we could share our children if this blew up. That is idiotic, right? Your anger will come out, I will take the share that I finally deserve, and lose more than I expect. I will make sure that our children are safe and you are comfortable.
This letter is a look into the heart of a frustrated man, someone who can’t take it anymore. To read this essay titled ‘A letter to… my wife, who won’t talk about her anger’ tap here.
Thank you for reading my newsletter. Make sure you subscribe if you haven’t yet. If you’re sharing on Twitter, use the hashtag #TheERclub so I can see it. Also, read this issue on marital loneliness. Don’t forget to share this issue with at least one friend.
PS: I will be giving out books on my Instagram next month. Check the page if that’s your kind of thing.
I wish you peace this week. Stay safe. ❤️
You articulated my thoughts perfectly. When people show hesitance towards marriage or children others think of 'trauma' and try to serve as a therapist.
I think people need to understand the fact that others may not just be interested for whatever reason and that's fine.