#Issue 7: Meet Me In The Middle.
For this to work, you will have to meet me in the middle. You can run if you wish but I will not be running, my health will not permit me.
For this to work, you will have to meet me in the middle. You can run if you wish but I will not be running, my health will not permit me. I will walk steadily towards you, not slowly. Steadily because contrary to what you might think, I want this as much as you do. How would you know if I am serious? Because I say so. Here’s the thing: I am a very straightforward person. I am not afraid to tell you if we are not on the same page. If we are not, I will tell you boldly and let you know that we cannot be anything - not close friends, not friends, not acquaintances. We cannot be anything. I will tell you if I do not want anything. So, the fact that I am here typing this and trying to reach you is because I want this, just as much as you do. But I will not run; my mind will not permit me. You will have to meet me in the middle. It’s okay if you want to run, it will make things faster. But it would be cool if you don’t run too fast. The fastest candle burns out first. Don’t let us burn out. Slow and steady. Rome was not built in a day.
I will come to you but still, you will have to meet me in the middle. In the middle, we will see each other naked. You will know if this is what you really want. Do you really want this person or an idea of who they are in your head? Do you really want to be friends with this person with all their faults and imperfections? Or you just like that they are smart and that they read so much and that they write so well and that you can post them as your friend and that they have cats and that their cat’s name is Moremi and that they have a frog named Pepe who is now forgotten at the edge of the world?
In the middle, you will see what you are looking for but will it fill your eyes with wonder and awe? Will it satisfy you? Or will you shrink and cower at the sight? Will you look in disappointment at this person that you thought was a titan but is just merely just another man? Will you still want to be friends after seeing that things may not be so rosy?
*Picture I took of random strangers at the University of Lagos.
In the middle, compromises will have to be made. You will realize that you cannot come into a person’s life and disrupt everything they have spent over two decades building. This is who they are, who they have become. Whether it is good or not, is secondary. What matters now is that this person you are looking at has an identity and the things you seem to complain about are the pillars that uphold their being, these are the things that form their identity. If you strip them off, will you like what you see? So you will have to choose: are these things you can work with or would you rather leave? Can you really handle this ‘I don’t like calls’ energy? Are you someone who likes to chat all through the day about Wizkid and Davido while this person does not even come online to reply to you fast and when they do, they are talking about the stars and the galaxies and the planets and the moons and the sun? Is this the life you want? Can you handle their random text messages even when they have not replied to your WhatsApp messages or every single time they do not reply to you early enough, you get pissed and pained?
But you knew this before, you knew this was who they were before you came into their life. They told you about it. They were honest about it. How come it is now that you are so used to them that you are now seeing fault in all the things that make this person who they are?
When you sit in the middle and try to analyze things, you may realize that their energy does not match yours and that is okay. It does not make you a bad person nor does it make them a bad person. It just means you have an expectation they cannot match or that your energies do not match. If that means so much to you, then maybe you can know that this person is not for you because while you love to talk always and you love instant replies and everyday chitchat, this person needs alone time a lot and they need time to think and process and read and rest. They cannot be at your beck and call while also doing all the things they need to do for their own peace. The solution is simple: acknowledge that they are not your person. Your person will come. They are on the way.
For this to work, we will have to sit down and meet each other in the middle. You will ask me what friendship means to me and I will tell you that the chief of all things is understanding. You will say yours is respect. And how can I say I respect you if I do not respond to your messages early? How is that fair? How is that respect? I will tell you that what I value most is understanding. I called my friend five times yesterday on a video call to say hi and gossip with her and she did not pick up. I automatically assumed that she was either busy or not with her phone -because that is the sane thing to do - to think good of those whom you call friends. Not to think they are ignoring your calls intentionally. Not to think they don’t respect you. Not to think they don’t love you. Because if you think all of that about them already, then why do you want to be their friend so badly? If they are so evil and degenerate so bad, why do you want them in your life? Think good of people. Don’t assume that they are ignoring you intentionally.
My friend called back later in the day but I did not pick; I was in the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom, I saw notifications from an urgent business so I got distracted. The friend called again but I was already in the office. They called again around ten in the night but I was not yet home. I called back around 11 pm as I entered my house. They were in their pink nightgown, about to sleep and I told them I was just returning from work. They nodded. We talked and jested and they mentioned they would be coming to my place the next day.
It is Understanding I cherish the most. It is knowing that I can miss a friend’s call and call them back or text back or even forget to and they will reach out because they understand that I am not evil and I will not ignore their calls or messages intentionally because I am not a bad person; because if I was a bad person they would not [want to] be my friend. All this having to explain yourself over and over again because someone just cannot stop picking up on the omissions you make; the times you did not call back, the time you did not text back, the time you added a full stop to the sentence - it is exhausting.
I often wonder, if I am such a bad person, then why do you want us to be friends so much?
My friend and neighbor, T, is, according to her, a low-effort friend. Since I am not her close friend, I don’t have to call her every day or text her every day. For someone who is big on communication, it is surprising to me. There was a week we did not talk or text or see and I was a bit worried because hey, this babe is on the other street, why have we not seen all week? And then it’s my birthday and she comes around with coconut something-something and stays into the night. And then we have actual talks and conversations and then I understand what they mean by being a low-effort friend. It does not mean they don’t want a gift or care for anything. It means if they choose to be your friend, then they are your friend. You don’t have to call every day to solidify your ground. They made the choice themselves and they love you whether you call every day or not. I have another new friend like this and I keep calling on Facetime and they keep not picking up because they are busy or in class or making stew or piping something and I keep making them feel bad and saying that they are evil and don’t love and don’t deserve my royal love. But the next day they send me an empty snap and I smile like an English sheep. Because I love my friends, especially when they understand me and I understand them.
Friendships are hard and sometimes they fail. I have a couple of failed friendships myself and I regret them till day. Those are friendships where both parties tried their best but things just did not work. We tried. The keyword here is ‘tried’. Can we at least try and know this is not working before you pull the plug? I am not perfect but can we please try?
Meet people in the middle. Understand that friendships work differently for everyone. The fact that they are not doing it your way does not mean they are not doing it at all. How about you also do it their way for a change? How beautiful will your friendship with them be if you realize that not everything is about you and their life does not revolve around you and they are not intentionally trying to hurt you or anything? How pleasing it will be if you realize that this person you are just meeting has lived over two decades without you and they have principles and ideals that guide their life and their perception of friendships, and the best you can do is to either try and understand them or just walk away if they are too hot to handle?
Do better with your friendships. Meet people in the middle.
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A Twitter Thread on Adulthood and Friendships, written by me.
A Twitter Thread on Navigating Your Twenties, written by me.
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It will be a lot easier if we could just acknowledge that it's not always about us. The heart will find its people though.
Friendship is meeting each other in the middle and respecting everyone's peculiarity.